I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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