we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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