She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
