Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I'm both gender and math confused
Randomize
