Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Randomize
