Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Randomize
