Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
