Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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