Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
