I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Randomize
