Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
