please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
