You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Randomize
