i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
organizing the empties. That sober.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Well I just put wine in my tea
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Terrible idea I love it
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Randomize
