I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
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