I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
he just fucked me for my cheese.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Randomize
