I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
