Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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