fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Randomize
