ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
