You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
