You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
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