My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Randomize