I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
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