Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
