Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
