i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Randomize
