1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
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