you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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