so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
