I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
