im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
