8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
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