OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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