the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
