listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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