you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
