So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
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