I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
