dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
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