I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
