Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Randomize
