Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize