Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Randomize
