I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
