Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
