after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
