just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
