I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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