dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
