then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize