True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
