I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
