i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Randomize